How to survive Starbucks’ war on Christmas: a biblical guide

starbuckslogo

It seems like the war on Christmas starts earlier every year.

I haven’t even got my lights up yet, and already the evil overlords of ISIS executives at Starbucks have declared their hatred for the baby Jesus by REMOVING SNOWFLAKES AND TREES from their seasonal cup design.

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Last year’s design: Jesus-approved.
Credit: Libby Anne

Starbucks-2015-red-cup
This year’s abomination. WHY ARE YOU OPPRESSING US, STARBUCKS??
Credit: Twitter

This morning, my wife went on a reconnaissance trip to Starbucks, and things are EVEN WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT.

Starbucks-advent-calendar
They’re selling ADVENT CALENDARS, people. Everyone knows Advent is a just a ploy to distract us from a two-month-long orgy of Christmafied consumerism—I MEAN tasteful celebration of Jesus’ birthday.

Starbucks-christmas-blend
They have only ONE “Christmas” blend. And the label’s got PINK on it.

Starbucks-reusable-Christmas-cup
The “J” on their new reusable cup doesn’t even stand for “Jesus.” It stands for “joy” or some other decidedly non-Christmasy claptrap.

Worst of all, their baristas don’t even ask if you’ve accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior when they hand you your peppermint frappuccino. WHAT COUNTRY IS THIS??

If we’re going to cope with this kind of persecution—nay, genocide, the “CHRISTIAN CULTURE CLEANSING OF THE WEST”—we have to be prepared. We must arm ourselves with the Sword. No, not ACTUAL swords. (Who needs those when all the good Christians are already packing heat like Jesus told us to?) THE Sword. Your Bible. Scripture has everything we need to prepare for the oncoming storm.

Here, for example, is everything the Bible says about how we’re supposed to fight for our rights—which, naturally, includes the right to force others to pay homage to our religious traditions:

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Here’s what the Bible says about the doom awaiting those who don’t use Jesus’ birthday to sell more crap, thus failing to exploit the Savior’s full money-making potential:

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Here’s everything the Bible says about throwing a fit when we don’t get our way—and how our first priority as followers of Jesus is to ensure we maintain cultural dominance AT ALL COSTS:

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The fight is upon us, people. Don’t let that underpaid store clerk fail to wish you a “Merry CHRISTmas” as you buy an $80 sweater made by some kid in a sweatshop. BECAUSE JESUS.

33 thoughts on “How to survive Starbucks’ war on Christmas: a biblical guide

  1. I’ve never understood the whole “Merry Christmas” only, “Happy Holidays” is secularized and irreligious. Um… When did “Holydays” become secular and irreligious? I might argue, as a non-Catholic, that I don’t like the connotation of “Christmas” that I’m celebrating so re-sacrificial bloodbath performed by antichrist priests that they call the “mass” and where they serve their death cookies and cocktails to the tune of the scribes in yesterday’s gospel. If we’re going to put the Christ back in Christmas, then let’s also put the superstitious mumspimus back in Mass and the Holy back in Holidays! Dammit!

    (N.B., I don’t actually subscribe to that particular caricature, but in the spirit of being offended by the “wrong” words…)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve already gone the length of not calling myself a christian anymore, instead I’m calling myself a theistic believer that happens to call Jesus his mediator (or whatever)…if stuff like this keeps up I might go full fledged atheist and stop going to starbucks all together.

    Like

  3. Ben, this is absolutely hilarious! Thanks for giving me an extended gut laugh to go along with my Baby Jesus Blend Coffee I’m having for breakfast this morning….

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Very funny! I love all the quotes from the Bible.

    I was raised in a religion that tries to find the absolute truth, so I knew from chilhood that Jesus wasn’t born in December, probably sometime in the spring. Christmas is all mixed in with pagan rites. Dec. 25 was a biggie day for the pagans. When you are told that, it kind of puts the damper on the Jesus/Christmas relationship. When you are a kid, you just think how dumb people were for choosing December.

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  5. I’ve been avoiding this whole red cup ridiculousness… Since there are FAR more important things in the world that Christians should get outraged about. But for some reason this post caught my eye, and I decided to read… Glad I did. I’m dying right now! Almost spit out my coffee. (But don’t worry, it’s not in a red Starbucks cup.) Thanks for this!

    Liked by 2 people

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