It seems like the war on Christmas starts earlier every year.
I haven’t even got my lights up yet, and already the evil overlords of ISIS executives at Starbucks have declared their hatred for the baby Jesus by REMOVING SNOWFLAKES AND TREES from their seasonal cup design.
Last year’s design: Jesus-approved.
Credit: Libby Anne
This year’s abomination. WHY ARE YOU OPPRESSING US, STARBUCKS??
This morning, my wife went on a reconnaissance trip to Starbucks, and things are EVEN WORSE THAN WE THOUGHT.
They’re selling ADVENT CALENDARS, people. Everyone knows Advent is a just a ploy to distract us from a two-month-long orgy of Christmafied consumerism—I MEAN tasteful celebration of Jesus’ birthday.
They have only ONE “Christmas” blend. And the label’s got PINK on it.
The “J” on their new reusable cup doesn’t even stand for “Jesus.” It stands for “joy” or some other decidedly non-Christmasy claptrap.
Worst of all, their baristas don’t even ask if you’ve accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior when they hand you your peppermint frappuccino. WHAT COUNTRY IS THIS??
If we’re going to cope with this kind of persecution—nay, genocide, the “CHRISTIAN CULTURE CLEANSING OF THE WEST”—we have to be prepared. We must arm ourselves with the Sword. No, not ACTUAL swords. (Who needs those when all the good Christians are already packing heat like Jesus told us to?) THE Sword. Your Bible. Scripture has everything we need to prepare for the oncoming storm.
Here, for example, is everything the Bible says about how we’re supposed to fight for our rights—which, naturally, includes the right to force others to pay homage to our religious traditions:
Here’s what the Bible says about the doom awaiting those who don’t use Jesus’ birthday to sell more crap, thus failing to exploit the Savior’s full money-making potential:
Here’s everything the Bible says about throwing a fit when we don’t get our way—and how our first priority as followers of Jesus is to ensure we maintain cultural dominance AT ALL COSTS:
The fight is upon us, people. Don’t let that underpaid store clerk fail to wish you a “Merry CHRISTmas” as you buy an $80 sweater made by some kid in a sweatshop. BECAUSE JESUS.